Emotions (feelings) 1

Our emotions, alongside our mind and body are a fundamental part of being human. (Some add ‘spirit’ to this mix). So, given their central function, why is it that many people have a troubled relationship with their emotions, even going to extraordinary lengths to avoid and suppress difficult emotions and at great cost? That is the issue I plan to explore over several entries. In this first one, I will begin by trying to lay a base, discussing at a simple level, the role of our feelings.

As relational beings, our survival is dependent on two basic things;

1. Food and shelter
2. Safe productive interaction between us and our world and the others in our world.

Our feelings play a core role in both of these endeavours by providing timely relevant information to aid in good decision making. For example, if our body is running low on energy and needs to refuel, we experience a physical sensation sent to gain our attention. When tuned in, a person recognises that they ‘feel hungry’. After responding appropriately with some food and drink, the feeling of hunger disappears. The feeling is no longer required as the body is happy again; all is well. However, if the person doesn’t respond to the hunger message, the feeling gets stronger and the body grows weaker and more desperate. This simple analogy is designed to demonstrate that feeling messages, working in harmony with the body, are sent for our benefit. How would we know when to eat and drink otherwise? Our mind gets involved in deciding what and how much to consume.

The same principle re feelings applies with respect interaction with our world and those in our world. For example, when our body senses danger or threat, the person experiences strong physical sensations and a fast rising heart rate. Recognising the feeling of fear, the person automatically springs to a position ready for action, muscles tensing and eyes moving every which way as the mind starts to assess the situation. Safety relies on this immediate co-ordinated effort. I think this analogy reveals several things about human emotions.

1. They are automatic spontaneous reactions to what is happening at any given moment. Feelings don’t occur from nothing. They arise as a result of some stimulus. They are there for a reason.
2. They are sent for our benefit - to keep us well and safe.
3. They are not necessarily accurate. As the mind responds (to the danger alert in this case) and systematically makes assessment, a false alarm is often the conclusion. The message of fear is withdrawn and the person returns to a state of calm and the fear feeling recedes.
4. When the feeling message is accurate, the mind decides the best course of action - fight, flight or freeze and the body implements the plan.
5. Feelings don’t operate in isolation. Rather, they are a member of the mind, body, feelings team.
6. The process of working through the issue raised by difficult feelings, like fear, is unpleasant. Obviously, addressing feelings that arise from a pleasant experience like performing well at something is easy and are happily embraced.

Even though my explanation is simple, I think it gives a decent basic idea of how our feelings, body and mind combine as a solid team for our well being. In a dynamic environment we need to be able to appropriately assess, understand and deal with whatever happens to us and around us; and it takes all of our senses to achieve this, i.e. to tune in to all the relevant data, analyse it fully, come to an action decision, then implement.

However, not all events and experiences encountered are simple and easily resolved, like the two examples offered above. People are from time to time confronted with some very complex and challenging situations that will understandably create a myriad of strong, overwhelming and potentially conflicting emotional messages, e.g. falling in love, death of a loved one, a natural disaster, facing an important life decision, suffering a significant health problem, the birth of a child, growing old, going through relationship breakdown, a financial crisis, experiencing the trauma of violence and/or neglect. The list goes on and on. Some of these experiences are magically wonderful (and easy to face), others are distressing, overwhelmingly painful, confusing and even traumatic. Regardless, they all destabilise us in some way and our mind, body and feelings automatically take them on because that is what they do. Their task is to try to sort through it, understand what is going on and select an appropriate response so as to re-establish balance.

In my view, this process of co-ordinating feelings, mind and body to address life’s big events and traumas, is a life skill requiring (like all complex skills), education, modelling, practice and trial and error experience. Yet sadly, in my personal experience and observation of others, this is not a skill taught and passed on in most families. Rather, feeling messages are often categorised into acceptable and unacceptable. Then the feelings in the unacceptable category, e.g. anger, fury, resentment, envy, fear, whinging, pride etc are banned. So, instead of learning to tune into, understand and respond to the message these feelings are trying to alert us to, they are systematically buried, avoided and denied. In fact, the skill of emotion suppression is the one that is overtly or covertly taught and rewarded in most families.

Yet, here is the big dilemma. Regarding many of life’s challenging experiences, the feelings don’t recede when we ignore them, because the issue promoting them remains unresolved. In fact, the feelings can grow louder and more desperate. Since the issue has destabilised the person, the mind, body and feelings are trying to find a way back to balance, because that is what they do. They seek our health and well being. What can and therefore often arises is an increasingly tense standoff between the feelings clamouring for attention (on behalf of the mind and body) and our determined blocking strategies keeping them suppressed. These people are working against their bodies rather than with their bodies. In my work experience, people unanimously acknowledge how tiring and stressful this practice is for them.

In the next entry on feelings, I’ll take the conversation a bit further. Again, I stress that what I write are my views based on my learning and experience. My interest is not to speak as an authority, but fellow struggler offering thoughts to enhance exploration, reflection and discovery. Please tell me of things I have missed from your perspective.